Linda Saxy

Author (A.K.A. Linda Bolton)

Tag: writer

How To Find That Special Someone

I was recently asked how to find that special someone? Where do you look? Is dating different now than it was 20 years ago?
It’s just as complicated as it was when we were twenty-somethings looking for a good time. I watch my newly, and some not so newly, single friends struggle with dating. Do you ask the blonde sniffing melons out to dinner? Or is that just too weird? Do you go to the nightclub and pick up that guy, who at 9PM was just so-so but at 1AM he’s looking pretty good? Do you start going to church in hopes they’ll be someone there you click with? Do you try speed-dating? Safe environment, only have to spend a few minutes together, no commitment.
Oh, don’t forget social media. FaceBook and dating sites are introducing men and women to each other all the time. I have a few friends that reconnected with old flames through social networking. They seem to be happy. I have a couple friends that tried dating sites. It was an interesting way to meet people with similar interests and get to know them a bit before actually seeing them face-to-face. I think it’s different for everyone.
Self-confidence and just plain bravery are the main key. Meeting someone new is scary. Unless you’re an FBI agent or a cop you’re on your own trying to figure out if this new person is a good, upstanding individual or a serial killer. I’m not trying to scare you but those things are out there. Group dating is always a safe bet. When you see that cute redhead tugging at leaves on the pineapples strike up a none-threatening conversation. Ask her how to tell if the pineapple is ripe. If she’s friendly and responds with a smile continue chatting about fruit or grocery shopping. If you feel she’s interested invite her to a quiet bar or to a fun restaurant like a sushi or sports bar. Tell her you’ll have two to three friends and ask her to bring the same. You both will feel safe if you don’t hit it off since you’ll have your buddies to keep you company.
At any age dating is a challenging endeavor. People change from the first time you meet to the twentieth date. In our forties and fifties most of us have set habits we chose not to change so that’s important to remember. If you aren’t liking that they are a pack-rat, a shopaholic, drink alcohol or smoke there is little chance they will change for you. The same holds true for your habits – are you willing to change for them? Be flexible but cautious as you search for your mate. Love can be around the corner if you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone. Remember all they can say is no.

Hall Passes

There’s a movie out touting the fun and problems of having a “hall pass” from your spouse or significant other.  Would that be a good idea?

First, You’d have to decide when in your relationship is the best time to schedule something like this.  Would it be at the end of year one, five, seven (year itch), ten, twenty? Then, how long is this “pass” good for? A day, a week? Are there rules? Who are you seeing/sleeping with during that time?  An old fling, an old boyfriend/girlfriend, your spouse’s best friend? What if you decide the grass is greener somewhere else?  Yesterday you were perfectly content the way things were and now…

Why would you want a “hall pass”? Do you have an urge so strong you can’t suppress it?  Are you unhappy with things in your current relationship that a night on the town will cure? Are you cheating and feeling guilty and think if a “hall pass” is granted guilt will disappear? Not that old fashion cheating is ok, but this just sounds like an “open relationship”.  Why set a timeline? Just see who you want all the time. That would be easier and less strategy involved.

What if you enjoyed the “hall pass” so much you didn’t want to go back to your old relationship?  If you’re looking for an excuse to end it, just man-up and end it. Why blame it on the “hall pass”? Are you hoping you’ll find out the grass isn’t greener and the romance will suddenly bounce back into your old relationship. Got some news for you, relationships take work.  Sometimes they aren’t pretty, fun or enjoyable, kind of like your job. Oh, it can be greener somewhere else but there’ll be work there too. Nothing in life is free or easy.

Lastly, can you go back to your relationship after a “hall pass” and take up where you left off?  Don’t you think you’d both be different? Even with permission you cheated.  Heck, they probably did too.  Are you both ok with that? Were any feeling hurt with who you “hall passed” with? Have you learned to appreciate each other or resent each other? Is your relationship more complicated now knowing what you both think you’re missing?

The biggest question is would you have been better off not knowing what you were missing? Maybe you should have taken that time to work on your relationship together instead. Hmmm…things to think about.

Fear Of The Unknown

You see a handsome guy at a party and you want to talk to him, but you don’t. You’ve been dating her a month and you want to tell her you love her, but you don’t.

Why don’t we just jump in with both feet? Take the plunge? See what happens? Fear! Where does that fear come from? Past experience.

Remember when you were a kid and you’d try anything? I remember climbing chain link fences.  I was brave until my jeans got caught at the top of a fence once and I couldn’t get down. That was the end of my climbing days.  Or how you wrote notes to the guy/gal you liked, “I love you, do you love me? Circle yes or no”? Even when you received “no” you persevered, wrote a note to your second fav and moved on. I was brave until forth grade….Not only did I get a resounding “no” but “your fat” came along with it. No more notes after that!

Rejection is probably one of man’s (and woman’s) greatest fears.  Who wants to be shot down?  The problem is if you don’t put it out there you’ll never know if your fear is unfounded. I know, easier said then done.  In my twenties fear of rejection was probably my number one fear, heights being the second thanks to the fence. But in my forties I’m not so worried about it.  Granted I’m not out looking for dates but there is rejection, and fear of it, in all areas of our lives. I have come to realize I’m not getting any younger and if I want life to be at its best I have to step out of my box. I have to take rejection by the horns and give it a shake!

Life can be as exciting and fun as we want it to be if we are not afraid to grow from a bit of rejection. Rejection can be good.  We learn from it and move forward.  Look at it as stepping stones to greatness. Fearing it only holds you back. Yes, sometimes the rejection isn’t polite, friendly, or thoughtful. Sometimes its ugly and hurtful.  Take a step back, shed a tear, regroup, put on your big girl thong and get back out there. Fearing the unknown and not facing that fear puts life on hold.  Do we really have that kind of time?

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